I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
