I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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