I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
