Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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