I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
