i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
