sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
