I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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