I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
