I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
