I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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