Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
