We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
