saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
