so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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