Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
