it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Also, beer. Big fan.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
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