i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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