The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just invented taco cereal.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
