If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
