Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
