At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
