I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
My bed smells like the plague
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
