all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
