god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
