he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Randomize
