4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Randomize
