the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
This baby is an asshole
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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