Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
