Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
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