Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
