Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
