i'm signing you up for texting rehab
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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