I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
