so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
