Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I think I have vodka in my lungs
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
