Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
