DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
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