Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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