I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm like, not good at living.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
