I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
