Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Randomize