I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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