Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
