Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
