I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
