I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Randomize
