i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
