Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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