she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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