i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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