literally had 100 drinks last night.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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